I’m…Movin’ Out

“Mama, if that’s moving up then I’m…movin' out.”

I guess Billy Joel is right about me on at least one count; I am moving out. But I’ve also moved up, moved down, back, forth, in, out, and out again. Now that I’ve…one…two…three…four…five……..tabulated all my glorious residences, I’ve come up with a number. I’ve moved SIXTEEN TIMES in my life and I’m really not that old. It averages out to be about once every two years.

I’ve been through it all. Passive aggressive landlords, cockroaches, lacrosse team neighbors and their parties that never ended, leaky everything–pipes, floors, ceilings, roofs, walls, basements. And of course there was one notorious Pink House. It could be the subject of a whole novel, but I’ll just say “creepy” and call it a day.

Instead of packing boxes, purging, and organizing like I should be, I’ve decided to mentally prepare for M-Day by reaching out to some of the other “experts” out there. I was hoping to get some good advice (so I can do it right for once) and compile some of the tales that are funnier than mine. And don’t worry; I’ve included some of my own “horror stories” as well:    

Dogs and skunks are never a good combination, especially the night before moving day. No amount of tomato juice makes that smell go away. We ended up throwing away a lot of stuff that couldn’t be washed and had to go through extreme measures to cleanse the air in TWO homes. Poor Schuyler-dog (may she rest in peace). She got sprayed right in the face and on a damp or humid day, there were still hints of the odor even years later. –Alicia, Massachusetts

Best advice. Hire movers. Worth every penny. –Daniel, Arizona

Your [Alicia] first Boston apartment on Beacon St. when the elevator puked parts! –Andrea, New York

Ah, Boston. Yes, make sure the elevator works when you’re moving into the fifth story of an apartment building or your moving buddies will never let you hear the end of it. And every time the story gets retold, it gets more and more outrageous. It was 98 degrees…300 percent humidity…and there was a hurricane looming on the horizon…and then a flock of flying monkeys started hurling overripe bananas at our heads… –Alicia, Massachusetts

My move outta Brooklyn was a beauty! 95 degrees with a major hangover! 3rd floor walk up to the apartment. No help and crates full of albums and couches! I saw a homeless guy pushing a shopping cart down the block! I hired him, told him I would murder him if he stole anything! Promised him $40! He did such a great job I paid him $80 and gave him my bicycle! Guy saved my a$$! –Mike, New York

Oh dear. So many to choose from. The time I bought a couch specifically so I wouldn't have to lug it to my 3rd floor apartment, and the delivery guys left it outside. We had to rig a pulley system to get it up over the balcony. When we left we redid the pulley, but gravity took over at 9.80 m/s2. Or the time the mattress fell off the roof on I-787. Or the time the new boyfriend was helping me move, and found not one but several condom wrappers in a couch that had been in storage. –Carissa, New York

I was going to include the I-787 one from my perspective because I almost died that day! It was windy and raining and rather than drive through town, my sister [Carissa] decided to take the “faster” route, the highway, which by miles was a longer distance. Unfortunately, my father’s [Steve] roof rack wasn’t meant to hold a mattress, in the wind, going 55 mph…and it snapped off and the mattress went with it. Good thing my boyfriend, now husband, had the skills and reflexes of a NASCAR driver. –Alicia, Massachusetts

Yeah, good thing. You’re ’89 Camry would have been done!  –Greg, Massachusetts

Then there was the POD incident. They couldn't get it into our driveway because the tree hangs too low. The put it in our backyard, but the driver rolled over the corner of our neighbor’s property, leaving tracks. I wasn't the one driving the truck and at that point I was not even really sure where the line was. That didn't stop the guy from banging on my back door and screaming at me when I was home alone with my 2 year old. It was terrifying. Nice way to welcome the neighbors.  –Carissa, New York

Oh, there was the time the ex and I had to move an entire apartment in a utility van because U-haul screwed up our reservation. We got the van at 6pm on a Friday and had to have it back by noon Saturday (the next day). We worked through the night, stopping to get 2 hours of sleep. We got the van back to Enterprise with 5 minutes to spare before they closed.  –Alex, Rhode Island

When you’re moving out of cockroach pit, they say to leave your furniture outside for at least 24 hours. But just make sure it’s not raining the next day.  For us, it was, and the moving van got stuck in the mud. By the following day, there was literally an inch of mud on the floor. We needed something close to a chisel to get it off! –Jeanne, New York

Make sure you have a backup plan when you arrive at your new place, especially when you have children with you. There was one time the previous tenant, a royal SOB, wouldn’t leave the premises until his lease was “officially” over. He planned on being there until 11:59 pm on the last day. With a sick kid in the car, his wife finally convinced him to let us in, but it was still after ten o’clock at night. The same guy tried to sue us for the cost of the heating oil he left in the tank, nearly full, of course.  –Steve, New York 

If you move a washing machine make sure you have it roped to the dolly. The bottom is hollow and the insides plastic. If you use movers, definitely get a referral and hear stories about them. –Paul, Georgia

I once helped some friends move and had to help carry what seemed like hundreds of large Rubbermaid boxes packed with old textbooks out of their basement.  –Phil, New York

Those "friends" must be jerks! –Greg, Massachusetts

Sorry, Phil, [not really] chemistry and physics haven’t changed that much in fifty years and I was still teaching at the time.  –Alicia, Massachusetts

Your father [Steve] once helped your Uncle John move me from Saratoga, NY to Long Island in a snow storm with a record 150 car pile up on the Northway. What a day. Thankfully while we have moved several times, we have gained knowledge and advice from many on how to do it right! –Andrea, Virginia

Well, there you have it folks! Advice from the “experts.” It’s hard to believe I have to go through it all again in a few days, but the complete life upheaval should be worth it in the end. Because the next house is for keeps...