Thursday, January 24, 2013

Poking fun at your Facebook "Friends"

How did we ever function without Facebook? We must have used that thing called the telephone, or God forbid, the U.S. postal service. Even email seems obsolete these days because Facebook has "revolutionized communication," or so they say. We can share media with a tap on a smartphone and we have more “friends” as a captive audience than ever before.

Not all “friends” are created equal, however. Some we keep around for entertainment value. For those of you who have never bothered categorizing the people you know, don’t worry, I’ve done it for you. I’m sure there’s at least one “friend” that fits into every category. You might even be a perfect fit...     

The Lurkers – They seem to know what’s going on in your life if you run into them at little league, work, or the supermarket, but they “like” things so infrequently, you would think it caused them physical pain.

Crazy Cat People – Does this one need an explanation? Seriously, is there an endless supply of weird cat pictures out there? And most of them are just creepy. They’re all teeth and slanty eyes. (Can you tell I’m a dog person?)

The Wannabe Workaholics – They complain about how busy they are and how much they hate their jobs...on Facebook during business hours. Enough said.

The Ranters – These people could rule the world if only their Facebook friends would see things their way. 

The Eyebrow Raisers – Most people are predictable, though not everyone. Remember that girl with the pink hair and the never-ending supply of Nirvana T-shirts? She’s suddenly wearing pearls and touting gun rights. There are shocking “Go-Left” people too. For example, the uber conservative former bible club president is now a hairy-legged tree-hugger on a commune. 

Attention Whores – They want you to know EVERYTHING...the good, the bad, the ugly. They will write/comment incessantly, post hourly pictures, YouTube every event, write freaken songs about their day, etc. Here’s the @$$-hole who cut me off...I can’t believe I got a stain on my new dress...I have the flu, woe is me!!!!...Suzy IS NOT my friend anymore...blah, blah, blah.

The Sports Fanatics – Their posts usually contain phrases like “you rookie,” “you call that a...,” “you throw like your mother,” or “what is he smoking?” And each post is followed by at least three exclamation points.

Workout Enthusiasts – Squat thrusts, and chin-ups, and marathons, oh my!

Do-It-Yourselfers – They're painting, or putting in drywall, or a new floor. Are you as excited about the pictures as I am?

Health Nuts – They will tell you what’s really in your milk. Or what soda does to your insides. Or what is added to your ground beef. Yikes! There is a such thing as too much information.

The Guilt Trippers – These people never cease to remind you that your “friendship” is not a right but a privilege. Usually, however, their threats to “de-friend” you are empty. If they actually de-friended you for ignoring their pleas, who would they trip up with guilt the next time?  

The Future Divorcees – For these relationship mudslingers, Facebook is like the spoiler alert for a membership. It’s like they want all their old boyfriends/girlfriends to know they’ll be on the market again very soon.

The Overachieving Parents – OK, guilty as charged. But here’s a little secret. Our careers are shoddy at best. And we’re just as frustrated with the world as most other people. We just have cuter pictures. 

The Proud Chefs/Restaurant Aficionados – They have more class and better taste than you, and they want you to be aware of this while you’re choking down your chicken nuggets and tater tots.

Bad News Bumpkins – They have nothing good to say and freak you out sometimes. They’re looking for sympathy or commiseration, but what they need is medical intervention.

The Ghosts – You knew the relationship was dead a long time ago and you thought Facebook might resuscitate it. But their Facebook page is as stark as a graveyard. You don’t know why they even bother keeping one.

Well, on that note, I’ll sign off. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone, unless you’re a cat person, in which case, I don’t care. Just kidding. Cats are swell.

So, until next time, I will continue to be the occasionally lurking (I don’t always say much, but I don’t miss much), eyebrow raising (who knew I had it in me to be offensive?), overachieving mommy on Facebook (sorry...babies are cuter than cats any day of the week). I hope you guys don’t mind J

Monday, January 14, 2013

A Smart Woman’s Rebuttal

This morning my husband forwarded me an email called “Man’s Rules.” I laughed, of course, and then I thought it would be funny to set the record straight...

Here’s the original email:

Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.   

These are our rules...
Please note...these are all numbered "1 "

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question...

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it... That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, Hunting, Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 
to give them a bigger laugh.

And here’s my version...much more accurate...naturally ;)

1) OK. So you're not mind readers. We get it. But Jeez! That seems a little convenient, especially since you're the reigning world experts on everything else. You know how to drive better than us, manage money, raise the kids, deal with the parents/in-laws better than us... Yet somehow simple cause and effect psychology eludes you.

2) Your mother doesn't live with you. Be a big boy and clean up after yourself. And yes, that includes the toilet seat you refuse to acknowledge has hinges in either direction.

3) Crying is at times our only recourse to insensitivity. If you don't like the tears, then don't make us cry.

4) We may misplace our cell phone or keys a lot, but when it comes to an injustice, women are like elephants. We NEVER forget. Ever.

5) When we want sympathy, give it to us or make a convincing effort. This will help you when you're upset, sick in bed, etc., BECAUSE...see rule number 4.

6) Time is relative. Man-time is double actual time. Woman-time divides actual time in half (roughly). Keep that in mind before you speak/act/pick an argument, because it takes us four times longer to get over something. Again...see rule number 4.

7) Your moods are not any easier to navigate. You should practice what you preach and say what's wrong. We might let more of your snide comments slide if we knew you had a bad day at work.

8) Sports may be sacred, and that's fine, but don't poke at us for attention when we're quietly engrossed in one of our guilty pleasures.

9) We like the couch too. Or when you are on the couch. You are so loud sometimes that the bed shakes, and you take up more space and blanket yardage than seems mathematically possible.

10) Christopher Columbus was lost by thousands of miles. So if you refuse to ask for directions, don't expect us to name a holiday after you even if we do eventually reach our destination.

11) Hints don't work. Got it. But if we ask for something directly and you ignore us anyway, we get extra pissed. You'd be better off learning to take hints.

12) We all have our vices, so don’t nag us about shoes or clothes when your television, for example, is much larger than necessary.

13) Yes, men nag too. Just in your own heads it’s excused as “common sense.”

14) To many of us, motorcycles are “death machines” or “widow makers.” And no, we don’t think we would look “hot” riding on the back of one.

15) A carefully crafted excuse will never replace the need for an apology.

16) We keep score, and it’s not like playing football with your friends. This is not a game you want to win.

17) We don't care how big your lunch was or at what time you ate it. If we made you dinner, grab a fork and say, "Thanks, hun. It's fantastic!"

18) Unless you look like Tom Brady, don't expect us to look like Gisele.

19) A happy wife is a happy life. C’mon guys, you KNOW this. Are we really that hard to keep happy...?

Did I miss anything?

Help me out ladies... Or ballsy men...