Poking fun at your Facebook "Friends"

How did we ever function without Facebook? We must have used that thing called the telephone, or God forbid, the U.S. postal service. Even email seems obsolete these days because Facebook has "revolutionized communication," or so they say. We can share media with a tap on a smartphone and we have more “friends” as a captive audience than ever before.

Not all “friends” are created equal, however. Some we keep around for entertainment value. For those of you who have never bothered categorizing the people you know, don’t worry, I’ve done it for you. I’m sure there’s at least one “friend” that fits into every category. You might even be a perfect fit...     

The Lurkers – They seem to know what’s going on in your life if you run into them at little league, work, or the supermarket, but they “like” things so infrequently, you would think it caused them physical pain.

Crazy Cat People – Does this one need an explanation? Seriously, is there an endless supply of weird cat pictures out there? And most of them are just creepy. They’re all teeth and slanty eyes. (Can you tell I’m a dog person?)

The Wannabe Workaholics – They complain about how busy they are and how much they hate their jobs...on Facebook during business hours. Enough said.

The Ranters – These people could rule the world if only their Facebook friends would see things their way. 

The Eyebrow Raisers – Most people are predictable, though not everyone. Remember that girl with the pink hair and the never-ending supply of Nirvana T-shirts? She’s suddenly wearing pearls and touting gun rights. There are shocking “Go-Left” people too. For example, the uber conservative former bible club president is now a hairy-legged tree-hugger on a commune. 

Attention Whores – They want you to know EVERYTHING...the good, the bad, the ugly. They will write/comment incessantly, post hourly pictures, YouTube every event, write freaken songs about their day, etc. Here’s the @$$-hole who cut me off...I can’t believe I got a stain on my new dress...I have the flu, woe is me!!!!...Suzy IS NOT my friend anymore...blah, blah, blah.

The Sports Fanatics – Their posts usually contain phrases like “you rookie,” “you call that a...,” “you throw like your mother,” or “what is he smoking?” And each post is followed by at least three exclamation points.

Workout Enthusiasts – Squat thrusts, and chin-ups, and marathons, oh my!

Do-It-Yourselfers – They're painting, or putting in drywall, or a new floor. Are you as excited about the pictures as I am?

Health Nuts – They will tell you what’s really in your milk. Or what soda does to your insides. Or what is added to your ground beef. Yikes! There is a such thing as too much information.

The Guilt Trippers – These people never cease to remind you that your “friendship” is not a right but a privilege. Usually, however, their threats to “de-friend” you are empty. If they actually de-friended you for ignoring their pleas, who would they trip up with guilt the next time?  

The Future Divorcees – For these relationship mudslingers, Facebook is like the spoiler alert for a match.com membership. It’s like they want all their old boyfriends/girlfriends to know they’ll be on the market again very soon.

The Overachieving Parents – OK, guilty as charged. But here’s a little secret. Our careers are shoddy at best. And we’re just as frustrated with the world as most other people. We just have cuter pictures. 

The Proud Chefs/Restaurant Aficionados – They have more class and better taste than you, and they want you to be aware of this while you’re choking down your chicken nuggets and tater tots.

Bad News Bumpkins – They have nothing good to say and freak you out sometimes. They’re looking for sympathy or commiseration, but what they need is medical intervention.

The Ghosts – You knew the relationship was dead a long time ago and you thought Facebook might resuscitate it. But their Facebook page is as stark as a graveyard. You don’t know why they even bother keeping one.

Well, on that note, I’ll sign off. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone, unless you’re a cat person, in which case, I don’t care. Just kidding. Cats are swell.

So, until next time, I will continue to be the occasionally lurking (I don’t always say much, but I don’t miss much), eyebrow raising (who knew I had it in me to be offensive?), overachieving mommy on Facebook (sorry...babies are cuter than cats any day of the week). I hope you guys don’t mind J