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Friday, May 11, 2012

Fallen Away Catholic

     Once upon a time, way back in the 1970's, there was a young couple that wanted to get married in the Catholic church.  The young woman was the oldest of 7 from a nice, big, Irish Catholic family.  The young man came from a mixed marriage, his mother was Jewish and his father was raised Catholic.  His parents exposed him to aspects of both, but never forced it down his throat.  He grew up to become a scientist, so the tenets of the church did not necessarily line up with his beliefs.  He wanted to make his young bride happy however, so in order to get married in the Catholic church, he signed his children away.  They were among the first mixed faith couple to be married on a Catholic altar.
     They quickly had children.  This was hard because they were away from their family, as the young man was working on his PhD and his post-doctorate fellowship. They found a surrogate family in the members of their church.  They lived in a part of Texas that did not have its own Catholic church, but had a growing number of Catholics. These Catholics met every Sunday in a senior center for their mass.  They decided one day that they were tired of the drab senior center. They started to fund raise. They wanted a church of their own.  One member of the congregation had a farm, and she donated a small corner of her land.  There was also a contractor in the congregation.  He laid the foundation at cost.  Then the real fun began.  Every evening, the members of the congregation would gather and  work communally to build this church.  The ladies all brought crock-pots and casseroles.  The children all played together at their feet.  It was a wonderful time.
     After working diligently all summer, and doing the finishing work through the fall, they surprised their priest on Christmas.  He traveled a far distance to come say mass at the senior center.  He went in and out of town in the opposite direction, so he had no idea what had been going on all year.  On Christmas Eve, they told him that they had lost the senior center as a space because they didn't pay the rent, but not to worry, they found a new place to celebrate mass together.  They drove him to the brand new church. He broke down into tears.  It was such a magical Christmas mass, the first ever said in that little church that was hand built by its members.
     God soon called the young family back to New York.  The young woman was as strong as ever in her faith, and sent her 3 girls to Catholic school.  They participated in youth ministry, and were very involved in aspects of their churches over the years. Most visibly they were all in the church's contemporary choir.  The eldest daughter was a wonderful flutist and they called her "angelflute".  The 2 younger girls were dubbed "the angel voices".
     The couple's eldest daughter met her husband at church in that very contemporary choir.  He was quite a bit older than she, but because they had known each other so long and shared their faith, they decided to get married after just a few short months of dating. The night of their wedding, there was a blizzard (they should have taken it as a sign).  Unfortunately, their reception hall called to tell them they could not get their staff together, and didn't want to be responsible for possibles injuries in their guests. The young bride was crest fallen.  She had put so much into planning this special Christmas time wedding.  However, the members of their church miraculously pulled together to give them a reception.  The priest let them use the gym of the school where the bride once went to school.  A member of the parish owned a restaurant, and got together a feast for them at a moment's notice.  Her bridesmaids went to the grocery store and picked up supplies.  All of the guests emptied out their liquor cabinets. Their DJ made it to the school, and said he had never seen a more fun wedding.  It was all the more special because all these people pulled together to make it happen. There was a line in one of the hymns the choir sang during the ceremony "No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that rock I'm clinging, since love is Lord of Heaven and Earth, how can I keep from singing?"
     Unfortunately the couple did not live happily ever after.  The young bride should have taken the blizzard as a sign to cancel her wedding.  Just one month after their wedding, the groom put his hands on the bride for the first time. She stayed longer than she should have.  It took her whole other year to finally leave him for good. She tried to leave several times, but each time she went back.  The strength of her faith was part of the her problem. Being such a good Catholic how could she get divorced?  
     After she left, she still wanted to attend Church.  Church became a scary place though.  You see the groom knew when mass was, too.  She was afraid to admit to her priest and nun friends what had happened, and ashamed she was divorcing him.  It was not as if they could exclude him from coming to mass even if they wanted to.
     Eventually the young divorcee met a nice young man.  This new guy also was Catholic.  They soon talked of getting married.  He knew of her situation and encouraged her to seek an annulment so she could get right with God.  So she went to the tribunal to start the process.    They wanted a $500 fee.  That was slightly painful but she was willing to come up with the money.  They also informed her they would need to notify her ex husband.  He had to be present for the process.  She was worried about this part.  She didn't necessarily trust them to keep her address confidential. The other part that troubled her is that they would require witnesses, police reports and emergency room records were not enough evidence for them.  She would have to drag her friends and family in to testify.  He had isolated her from her friends and family over the course of their marriage, as many abusers do.  No one really knew what she went through.  Also the ex had a way of twisting things in his warped mind to make it seem like things were her fault.
     She gave up on the idea of an annulment, and had a great little wedding in Las Vegas.  Three beautiful children quickly came within 3 years.  While she knows that this was in God's plan for her, the Church she loved for so much of her life doesn't seem to agree.
     Meanwhile pedophile priests have been exposed, a new Pope with a radically conservative agenda was chosen.  She stood up for gay friends in a commitment ceremony, and was troubled by the fact that society said they shouldn't be married.  Both Catholic Schools she attended during her life have since closed, and the all girls Catholic high school she was to attend on scholarship closed the year she was to start. So many other schools and parishes in her area have closed as well. She began to see she was not the only one who had fallen away, many others had as well for their own lists of reasons.
    This young mother still occasionally goes to Church, but her heart is not in it as it once was.  As it comes time for her to put her own children in religious education, she finds herself at a crossroads.  This church sees their existence as illegitimate.  Should she subject them to this religion that would turn them away?  Should she turn to a new church, perhaps a more tolerant version of Christianity?

     Obviously this young mother is me.  My hope is that the church will come around on many issues, including women as priests, birth control,  divorce, IVF, gay marriage and a host of others.  I'm not so sure that will happen in my lifetime though.  Or maybe its time for another Great Schism.  We could have an American Catholic church separate from the antiquated idealists in Rome.  I truly believe the people are the church, and I have known so many wonderful people, some of whom are still like family.  I long to be a part of it again, but I refuse to ask for forgiveness as I know in my heart that God and I are okay.

1 comment:

  1. A frown icon is nowhere near accurate here (more speaking towards your first marriage than anything else). I, too, have the religion debate (as I think we all discussed one night a while ago). I'm still on the fence but time is passing and I'm not feeling compelled to do the research into Hebrew Schools. We can pick up the conversation the next time we get to chat.

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